The God Question

My second night in emergency, waiting for there to be a bed in the psych ward, I am granted with the luck of having a great nurse. Our conversation began regarding her tattoos, which I have always found interesting, but I have been too chicken to ever get. My partner and I have thrown around the idea of getting each others name tattooed onto our ring finger, but we were told that it wasn't the best idea. The ink bleeds and a lot of people think they're gang signs. Ohhh the prejudices. Anyways, she had her husband's name tattooed on her finger. I asked her about it and she said her husband is unable to wearing any metal and so he couldn't have a traditional wedding band. So, they decided the next best thing was to tattoo each others name on them instead. At this point I was feeling quite anxious and she was sympathetic and talked me through my panic attack. I talk like chicken little, crying that the sky is falling.

Anyways... throughout our conversation she proposed the God solution. She claims that after finding God, she never suffered depression again. And I wonder - is it that easy? You find God and there is some cure that magically makes you better? I pick up a bible and head to church every Sunday and my anxiety, my depression, my bipolar disorder will disappear? Why aren't they bottling this stuff???? The cheesy tv spokesman comes over the t.v. and says: "Are you feeling depressed? Hopeless? Anxious? Have you thought of committing one of the biggest sins - suicide? Well, we have the solution for you! The "G" Pill! That's right folks, swallow the "G" pill and all these feeling will go away!"

Just like any other pharmaceutical drug - it doesn't stress accountability. That's always been my problem with religion. I was raised a Catholic and terrified of God and it was always "God punishing me" if something bad happened. But, what about my accountability? My responsibility? Everything becomes "God's Will." (I'm fearing some backlash for this post already, but it's called freedom of speech people!) I don't buy the God thing. I can't.

If the solution to mental illness was as simple as "finding" God, as my dear nurse suggested then wouldn't therapists and psychiatrists hang up their belts? I mean, I know mental health is big business and company's are much more focused on finding a profit and not on helping people and psychiatrists have a stake in these claims. But if God was really and truly the answer, wouldn't "the word" have spread by now?

I wonder if I have simply replaced God with a person. I wonder if finding meaning to life with or without God is just about finding your rock - the one thing that ALWAYS makes sense. No matter if the sky is falling or not. I've found this one thing (it still hasn't cured my mental illness, but we're talking the meaning of life here!) This one thing that I've found is not God, a spirit, or the holy ghost. It's a living, breathing, human being. It is not elusive. It is not found in an old book about legends and imaginary friends and voices in people's heads. He's real. He's proven himself to me (more than I deserve). He loves me more than I deserve. He's not God, but a man. A real person that I can run to, cry to, hurt, fuck, and love more than my own life. But he still doesn't solve my problems. It is still on me. I force accountability. This is what I am learning.